this. fuckin. hurts.
Monday, June 15, 2009
im feeling so betrayed. i dont know if the feeling of betrayal is even warranted, but its there none the less. beyond betrayal i feel taken for granted, which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. im dropping fast and i really dont know how to pick myself back up while still being honest with myself.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
enrededa
i dont know where to start. im on this spiritual journey, and one of the people who is leading me there is slowly but surely making me fall in love with him, but i dont know in what sense. i dont know if i just love him for being there or if i love him in a way that i want to be with him both emotionally and physically. the worst of it is he isnt in love with me in that way, but rather with my best friend here who is in love with someone who is 32489023 away. the great thing is that this one who is so far loves her back, so her story has a happy ending (or rather, happy current, because end doesnt necessarily exist), and now the other knows he can't have her. but i will not let myself be a backup, but im scared that if i continue to think this way i will never allow myself to be happy because people are always in love with others before they meet you, but people change.
im confused and trying to let go of some of the old me to make room for the new.
im confused and trying to let go of some of the old me to make room for the new.
Monday, February 23, 2009
mental poo, february 2009
i really miss my family and i think one of my biggest regrets in life is going to be not seeing the world premier of cadillac by barry malawer.
im way too impatient for my own good.
i overanalyze everything way too much.
sometimes im just as egocentric as the people i complain about being so egocentric all the time and sometimes im even jealous that they at least can admit it and are not ashamed of it unlike me.
i know i speak good spanish even though sometimes i pretend like i dont just to seem more modest than i actually am.
im a coward.
im terrified no ones going to want to stick around with me for an extensive period of time.
when i like someone and say it outloud i think it jinxes the relationship, but for some reason i cant stop.
i know i dont know shit even though i like to talk as if i do.
im terrified ill never find a love like my parents have for each other.
i really honest to god have no idea if im pretty or not.
i keep losing weight, and as much as im happy about it im terrified im just going to gain it all back one day and be unhappy so id almost just rather be large to begin with.
i dont know if im a superstitious person, but i take care of those things anyway, you know, just in case.
i cant lie, hide my emotions, nor pretend to like someone i dont, and for that reason could never be an actress.
i actually really enjoy my job right now, which is having me reconsider my career goals, which is scaring the living bejesus out of me.
im jealous of my brother because he is much quicker to admit who he really is than i am, though sometimes hes a complete idiot (case and point tatoo number 2).
i worry about my mom, a lot.
im terrified my mom, dad, or brother is going to die young and im going to have to live with that scar on my heart forever...i actually have nightmares about it and start hysterically crying at 3am.
julie has taught me more about myself and being a friend than i have ever given her credit for.
one of my best decisions i think i will ever make in life is coming to colombia.
im no longer afraid ill never be happy.
the most annoying sound in the world is the sound of someone sucking their teeth.
when it all comes down to it, i think i have more of a capacity to love than i have to be loved. i really hope that changes one day.
im way too impatient for my own good.
i overanalyze everything way too much.
sometimes im just as egocentric as the people i complain about being so egocentric all the time and sometimes im even jealous that they at least can admit it and are not ashamed of it unlike me.
i know i speak good spanish even though sometimes i pretend like i dont just to seem more modest than i actually am.
im a coward.
im terrified no ones going to want to stick around with me for an extensive period of time.
when i like someone and say it outloud i think it jinxes the relationship, but for some reason i cant stop.
i know i dont know shit even though i like to talk as if i do.
im terrified ill never find a love like my parents have for each other.
i really honest to god have no idea if im pretty or not.
i keep losing weight, and as much as im happy about it im terrified im just going to gain it all back one day and be unhappy so id almost just rather be large to begin with.
i dont know if im a superstitious person, but i take care of those things anyway, you know, just in case.
i cant lie, hide my emotions, nor pretend to like someone i dont, and for that reason could never be an actress.
i actually really enjoy my job right now, which is having me reconsider my career goals, which is scaring the living bejesus out of me.
im jealous of my brother because he is much quicker to admit who he really is than i am, though sometimes hes a complete idiot (case and point tatoo number 2).
i worry about my mom, a lot.
im terrified my mom, dad, or brother is going to die young and im going to have to live with that scar on my heart forever...i actually have nightmares about it and start hysterically crying at 3am.
julie has taught me more about myself and being a friend than i have ever given her credit for.
one of my best decisions i think i will ever make in life is coming to colombia.
im no longer afraid ill never be happy.
the most annoying sound in the world is the sound of someone sucking their teeth.
when it all comes down to it, i think i have more of a capacity to love than i have to be loved. i really hope that changes one day.
i truly believe in the concept of pay it forward.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
ive never been so homesick as i am today. my dads play went off without a hitch and i wasnt there to see it. as much as i love colombia i know i wont be able to live here forever bc ill miss big things in my family like the world premier of cadillac. i cant do that again. i love my family too much. and the fact that im not there to support my dad living out the worst thing that ever happened to him on stage, my mom having a breakdown because she misses my grandma, or my brother crying because he realizes his grandmother never had any idea that he existed, never got to hold him nor take him to his first haircut like she did with me just absolutely breaks my heart.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
takeaway
the most important thing ive learned about myself from this internship is that i do not do well in non-team environments. i just cant seem to get myself to do my work unless i know the work i do will be contributing to the whole of the team. in order to do my work really well i need others around me off of whom i can bounce ideas and from whom i can get feedback without feeling like im bothering them and/or that im too low on the totem poll for them to listen to. at least i learned this now during a 3 month internship rather than during a full-time, salary dependent job.
so now we can put one requirement on the list of "things i need to have in my job in order to not want to plunge a fork into my eye": team-oriented environment.
so now we can put one requirement on the list of "things i need to have in my job in order to not want to plunge a fork into my eye": team-oriented environment.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
"In an interview with his younger sister, Doro Bush Koch, the president said he was forced to make several difficult choices during his tenure in the White House, but added "I darn sure wasn't going to sacrifice [my] values."" (cnn)
...but it isn't all about you. being president of a diverse country where the values are more varied than the colors of our skin means that in making decisions you need to consider more than just YOUR personal values. YOUR decisions affect not just the diverse population of the US, but the entire world.
i guess, for reasons of cognitive dissonance, i tried to ignore the sheer egoism and blatant stupidity of our president because, in my mind, there was no other choice in 2004. in order to sleep at night i needed to be able to reassure myself that the country is in more capable hands that it would have been if the ketchup heir won, and honestly to this day i stand by my decision.
but now as his term comes to a close, im realizing more and more how ridiculous a public figure he is and why foreigners have the idea that we're rich and dumb. hopefully the next 8 years will bring us an america we can actually be proud of instead of something we have to turn a blind eye to in order to live with ourselves.
...but it isn't all about you. being president of a diverse country where the values are more varied than the colors of our skin means that in making decisions you need to consider more than just YOUR personal values. YOUR decisions affect not just the diverse population of the US, but the entire world.
i guess, for reasons of cognitive dissonance, i tried to ignore the sheer egoism and blatant stupidity of our president because, in my mind, there was no other choice in 2004. in order to sleep at night i needed to be able to reassure myself that the country is in more capable hands that it would have been if the ketchup heir won, and honestly to this day i stand by my decision.
but now as his term comes to a close, im realizing more and more how ridiculous a public figure he is and why foreigners have the idea that we're rich and dumb. hopefully the next 8 years will bring us an america we can actually be proud of instead of something we have to turn a blind eye to in order to live with ourselves.
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