mental poo, february 2009

i really miss my family and i think one of my biggest regrets in life is going to be not seeing the world premier of cadillac by barry malawer.
im way too impatient for my own good.
i overanalyze everything way too much.
sometimes im just as egocentric as the people i complain about being so egocentric all the time and sometimes im even jealous that they at least can admit it and are not ashamed of it unlike me.
i know i speak good spanish even though sometimes i pretend like i dont just to seem more modest than i actually am.
im a coward.
im terrified no ones going to want to stick around with me for an extensive period of time.
when i like someone and say it outloud i think it jinxes the relationship, but for some reason i cant stop.
i know i dont know shit even though i like to talk as if i do.
im terrified ill never find a love like my parents have for each other.
i really honest to god have no idea if im pretty or not.
i keep losing weight, and as much as im happy about it im terrified im just going to gain it all back one day and be unhappy so id almost just rather be large to begin with.
i dont know if im a superstitious person, but i take care of those things anyway, you know, just in case.
i cant lie, hide my emotions, nor pretend to like someone i dont, and for that reason could never be an actress.
i actually really enjoy my job right now, which is having me reconsider my career goals, which is scaring the living bejesus out of me.
im jealous of my brother because he is much quicker to admit who he really is than i am, though sometimes hes a complete idiot (case and point tatoo number 2).
i worry about my mom, a lot.
im terrified my mom, dad, or brother is going to die young and im going to have to live with that scar on my heart forever...i actually have nightmares about it and start hysterically crying at 3am.
julie has taught me more about myself and being a friend than i have ever given her credit for.
one of my best decisions i think i will ever make in life is coming to colombia.
im no longer afraid ill never be happy.
the most annoying sound in the world is the sound of someone sucking their teeth.
when it all comes down to it, i think i have more of a capacity to love than i have to be loved. i really hope that changes one day.

i truly believe in the concept of pay it forward.

ive never been so homesick as i am today. my dads play went off without a hitch and i wasnt there to see it. as much as i love colombia i know i wont be able to live here forever bc ill miss big things in my family like the world premier of cadillac. i cant do that again. i love my family too much. and the fact that im not there to support my dad living out the worst thing that ever happened to him on stage, my mom having a breakdown because she misses my grandma, or my brother crying because he realizes his grandmother never had any idea that he existed, never got to hold him nor take him to his first haircut like she did with me just absolutely breaks my heart.